I Woke Up Naked In Another Couple’s Bed With Morning Glory

No one was expecting anything wild to happen. The group included two couples; myself and K and Elissa and Cankles. Plus there were four single dudes; Adam, Alex, Chips, Morgs and a solitary single girl; Mads. From the get-go Mads made it clear that she wasn’t keen on any of the lads. So the chances of any Big Brother love triangle drama eventuating was slim to none.

We arrived at the holiday house in the early arvo on the day before New Years Eve. It was a sprawling beachside bungalow with multiple bedrooms, perfect for a group of rowdy 20-somethings or perhaps a large Catholic family. The house sat on the outskirts of a sleepy surfer town a couple hours south of Sydney.

It was a tame first day. We hung out at the crib, played some backyard cricket and sunk a few brews. After dinner we attempted to play a board game but everyone quickly lost interest. Then someone said that the house would be perfect for a game of Murder in the Dark, an Australian childhood staple. 

If you’re not familiar, Murder in the Dark is essentially Marco Polo on land minus the call-and-response component. One person is blindfolded and then everyone else has a minute to hide around the house. The blindfolded person then wanders around like Stevie Wonder, and if they touch someone this person is considered “murdered”, and they’re eliminated from the game.

We turned off the lights and got into it. The retro throwback wasn’t doing it for me and the nostalgia wore off after about five minutes. I was too big to cram myself into any decent hiding spots and I wasn’t drunk enough to fully commit to the game. After a few rounds we all called it quits and I happily trudged towards my bed. Alex had smuggled some acid over from Perth, and we were planning to have a rager on New Years Eve, so I was happy to turn in early. I kissed K goodnight and went to sleep. 

The next morning I woke up completely naked. I looked down at my feet and noticed a small towel covering my morning glory. Even in my groggy state, I realized that something was up as I very rarely sleep in the nude.

I looked to my right and saw Elissa and Cankles’ smiling faces. Shock overwhelmed me. I looked around. For some reason I was in their bedroom. I lifted myself up, doing my best to preserve my decency, apologized profusely and hightailed out of their room.

It was early and K was still asleep. I gently woke her and explained that I’d just found myself naked in the wrong bedroom. I had an awful feeling that she was going to go ballistic and start crying. But when she realized that I wasn’t joking she just started to laugh hysterically.

In a moment everything clicked. I hadn’t had a sleepwalking episode since childhood, but Murder in the Dark must’ve reactivated something in my psyche. This incident happened about ten years ago and I haven’t (to my knowledge) sleepwalked since.

Over breakfast I got Elissa and Cankles’ side of the story. Apparently in the dead of the night, they’d felt someone muscle their way between them into the middle of their bed. They were both completely out of it and just assumed that it was their mate Adam playing funny buggers. It wasn’t until Elissa woke up around dawn that she realized it was me and that I was completely starkers. She woke Cankles who kindly threw the towel over my family jewels.

Everyone in the house was flabbergasted and understandably found the whole thing unbelievably funny. I was particularly happy that Cankles took my party foul in good spirits. He was an ex-military guy who spoke in very short sentences. If you’d told me before the trip that I’d sleepwalk into his bed naked on the first night, I would’ve put money on him beating me up. On the contrary, he even complimented me on my manhood and said K was a lucky girl. Considering that he’d properly seen his fair share of cocks in the army I received his kind words graciously. I was a little confused about why both Elissa and Cankles just assumed it was Adam climbing into their bed in the middle of the night, but I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

I got rip-roaring drunk all day long. Around dinner time, me and K started to bicker. The house was divided; half of the crew wanted to chill at the house and play cards, and the other half wanted to go and have a party on the beach. It was New Years Eve and I was determined to give it a real nudge, so I was firmly in the beach party camp. The impasse proved insurmountable and two divisions went their separate ways. I took acid and had a loopy time at the beach until the wee hours with Alex, Morgs, Chips and a few randos. 

The next day I woke up with a pinging headache. K was furious with me because of my drunken belligerence the night before. We spent the majority of New Years Day apart, and only reconnected in the late afternoon. The next day we packed up all our shit and went home.

With romantic relationships, there are a lot of unknown unknowns. You would assume that waking up in another couples’ bed naked would cause tension, but it didn’t for me on this particular occasion. All the boundaries that you have in your mind are ultimately imaginary, and you don’t really know how real they are until you test them. So buy the ticket and take the ride, turn off the lights it’s your turn to hide.

Thommy WaiteComment